The other day, I read an article describing Thanos taking down the Marvel superheroes in the original The Infinity Gauntlet comic (July-December, 1991), and reflecting on the Thanos/Deadpool team up comic from a little while back, I realized that if Deadpool (first appearance: February, 1991) had been the major player in the Marvel Comics universe that he is now, things would have been very different.
Thanos mops the floor with the heroes. As Terraxia finds herself distracted and frustrated by one terrified but surprisingly resilient Hydra Agent, Deadpool appears on a space scooter to confront Thanos one-on-one.
Deadpool: Okay, show me what you've got Grape-Ape!
Thanos: Are you so eager to meet your end with the other hominids?
Thanos charges up the Power Gem, prepared to vaporize Deadpool on the spot.
Deadpool: Eager? I've got a date with Death! And it's the third date, so...
Thanos: ... Then... I shall not kill you! Instead... I will simply curse you with unending madness!
Thanos zaps Deadpool with the Mind Gem.
Deadpool stops in his tracks, pauses for a moment, and blinks.
Deadpool: What have you done?! One of the voices in my head sounds like Perry Como now!
Thanos: Very well, I shall corrupt you to my side, and turn you against your fellow heroes!
Thanos uses the Soul Gem to reverse Deadpool's moral axis...
... Which results in a net-change of roughly 0.
Deadpool: *Gasp* now I have to change my costume from black-on-red to red-on-black!
Thanos: *Grrr...* I shall banish you to the past!
Thanos uses the Time Gem to send Deadpool to the dawn of time.
Another Deadpool immediately shows up.
Deadpool: Apparently I was Dionysus. Who knew? Oh, and it turns out trilobites are adorable, so I saved them this time around, and now rich girls are all carrying them around in their purses.
Thanos: Just GO AWAY!!!
Thanos powers up the Space Gem, and flings Deadpool to the far reaches of the universe.
With a crash of thunder and lightning, another Deadpool immediately appears and attacks Thanos with futuristic weapons.
Deadpool: Yeah, after a few eons, The giant guy in the starry-cloak thing couldn't take it anymore, so he called Mistress Death (did you know they're related?) to come and give me a ride. [Bow-shicka-wow-wow, by the way.] Of course, when we got back, you weren't around anymore, but fortunately, the future is *full* of time machines.
Thanos: Fine, if the Power Gem, the Mind Gem, the Soul Gem, the Time Gem, nor the Space Gem can rid me of you, I have no choice but to use the god-like power of the REALITY GEM!
Thanos uses the Reality Gem to create an entropic microcosm around Deadpool, a swirling black hole in space that no longer obeys the rules of logic or causality.
Within moments, the sphere of irrationality begins erratically launching unicorns, rainbows, and chimichangas into real-space, before popping like a soap bubble.
Deadpool emerges, wearing a toga and two Infinity Gauntlets.
Thanos: That's... that's not logically possible.
Deadpool: That's exactly what I thought! And then poof! Matched set! Now, tell Mistress Death I said, "The Lannisters send their regards!"
Being that it is 1991, Thanos and the reader are both, obviously confused by the reference.
Deadpool: Don't worry, she'll get it.
Performing a three-armed version of the Neutron Dance, Deadpool rewrites the Marvel Universe, reviving all of Thanos's victims and putting everything back the way it was (even the continuity errors), except everyone is now drawn by J. Scott Campbell.*
*Even Terraxia, who doesn't suffocate in deep space.
*Even Terraxia, who doesn't suffocate in deep space.
James N. McDonald is a "liberal academic" born and raised in Missouri and residing in Tennessee. He holds one degree in history, two degrees in psychology, but loves writing fiction. His first, completed novel, The Rise of Azraea, Book I, is a high fantasy story with elements of comic fantasy and satire targeting present day, real world issues such as economic inequity, and sexual and racial discrimination. It is currently available on Amazon.
No comments:
Post a Comment